TWFC

Nine players were available this week. The Dark Tops took to the field with five players to their opponents four. It was agreed that at half time a player would swap ends to help even the match up.

The night was one of those drizzly end of summer evenings that mean the ball is slippery and slightly more difficult to control. The first quarter of the match saw the four Light Tops defending deep and trying to soak up the waves of Dark Top attacks. In amongst this they were able to nick a goal as the Dark Tops raced to a 3 - 1 lead. Recognising that they were finding their range and pulling off at least three times as many attacks as their opponents the Dark Tops offered a rule change to 'help' the numerically disadvantaged Lights Tops. In an act of what seemed at the time to be the milk of human kindness the Dark Tops proclaimed that as they had an extra man they would only score after three touches.

This three touch rule barely slowed the score rate down and the Dark Tops got to half time 6 -1 ahead. At this point the Light Tops were given the extra man and the rest of the match to overcome a 5 goal deficit. The Light Tops scored a couple of goals and conceded the same too, one of these being what can only be described as a masterfully executed strike by Marty, who on the attack rather than beat the defender used him to disguise his intent and gently bent the ball around him and the goal keeper from about 15 yards Brazilian stylee.

With the score standing at 9 - 3 the Light Tops scored and had it ruled out as apparently there had been a rule breach. Nathan received a pass from the goal keeper splitting the Dark Tops high line and upon netting was told his goal could not stand as the ball had not been touched three times in the opposing half. Later on repeating the move Nathan made every effort to kick the ball three times before scoring only to be told sagaciously that the ball had to be touched three times in the opponents' half by three different players. Close questioning then ensued about the meaning of the rule and it was eventually ascertained that any three players on the same team must be seen to have touched the ball in their opponents' half before the team scored. They were kindly told that it didn't matter if an opponent touched the ball. It was at this point that the Light Tops may have realised that earlier in the match they had been given what can only be politely described as a white elephant in as much as the Dark Tops could now go forward at will but if the Light Tops broke away they would need to race up pitch and execute three independent touches before scoring. When asked if they were evolving the rule as they went along the Dark Tops politely offered to help with counting; what then ensued was the football equivalent of Play School as the Dark Tops helped their opponents by counting out loud to three for them then taking the ball off of them. The counting and the constantly evolving three touch principles proved so demoralising that when Nathan next scored the rule makers were implored to just let the goal stand purely as a good will gesture.

The Three Touch formula proved about as helpful as the Duckworth Lewis Method in the 2007 cricket world cup final. With hindsight it was not markedly dissimilar to what had been played before it was just the machiavellian explanations that undid the Light Tops (with each disallowed goal newer players may have quite fairly thought 'infamy, infamy they all have it infamy'.)

With nine minutes to go the score stood at 13 - 4 meaning that the Light Tops would need to score a goal per minute in order to even hope for a draw. By the end of the match the Dark Tops had scored 16 goals to the Light Tops 5.

Dark Tops won the first half 6 - 1 and the second half 10 - 4.

Match awarded to the Dark Tops 16 - 5.

Things to note

Jon and Tim appear to be emerging as the new Sutton and Shearer or Cole and York - a potent strike force seemingly able to score at will.

Marty retains his personal 100% win ratio having played 3 and won 3 of the first 4 matches for the new Premier League season.

Beware of new terms introduced as a gift part way through a match particularly when they will be your own handicap for the greater part of the game.